Depression is something that has always figured in my life but now I'm dealing with it. I wish I'd done this years ago because it's been really helpful.
In particular, I found praying very disturbing, like swimming with bricks tied to your feet. And yet I was drawn to it constantly.
I really hated fighting people and hurting them, but felt unable to stop.
I took religion much too seriously, however, and its overall effect was depressing. I would have really liked to discard it, but somehow I couldn't.
My character, Rick Spleen, is a what-if version of me, really, where nothing did quite turn out right and everything else is still around the corner.
I was on various anti-depressants, but not for long - I didn't function very well on them. I felt sort of flattened out.
One Saturday in 1984, I walked into my first AA meeting. I went regularly for six years and only stopped when I came to realize my underlying problem was not genuine alcoholism, but depression.
I'm not really part of any group or clique or gang because that's always been my nature.
I had a longing for ritual, something I could cling to, a routine to make me feel well and contented. I hoped that reading Bible commentaries and theological critiques would nudge me closer to some kind of absolute that I could hold up as a torch to light my way.
Maybe I fear things going wrong so much that I pre-empt them by not getting excited about them when they appear to be. going well.
