Maria Bamford Quotes

If you're ever if you're ever thinking, “Oh, but I'm a waste of space and I'm a burden,” remember: that also describes the Grand Canyon. Why don't you have friends and family take pictures of you from a safe distance? Revel in your majestic profile?

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time

If you stay alive for no other reason do it for spite

I can't stand makeup commercials. 'Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips kissable?' No, I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work. How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat?

I've never really thought of myself as depressed so much as I am paralyzed by hope.

We’re all doing the best we can and sometimes it is not that good.

Get out of your house and go see some live performance, for God's sake. There are people creating things just outside your window.

I'm not looking for much, I just want, like, a really nice guy who has, you know, like a job... and the missing half of this golden amulet.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I'm so hungry.

I do wanna get married. It just sounds great. You get to go grocery shopping together, rent videos, and the kissing and the hugging and the kissing and the hugging under the cozy covers. Mmmm! But sometimes I worry that I don't wanna get married as much as I want to get dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough. That might feel pretty good, too.

Even if you're disgusting, and everyone is creeped out by you and thinks you're gross, you know, keep doing what you love!

My mom is very religious and she said, 'Whatever you think about all the time, that's what you worship.' If that's the case I'd like everyone to pop open their Diet Coke cans and turn to page 37 of their People Magazines. In this holy scripture, we read the parable of Ms. Valerie Bertinelli.

I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of s**t that I don't need, that I refuse to share with others.

Time flies when you are anxious!

I do some compassionate mindfulness every day. It's like a Buddhist thing. I tell myself that I'm doing a good job, that kind of thing. It makes me feel better.

Younger and younger, our children are seeing the sippy-cup as half empty.

Sometimes I worry I don't want to get married as much as I'd like to be dipped in a vat of warm, rising bread dough.

I find it creatively satisfying to write material and say it out loud in a public place, whether or not anyone's listening.

Schizophrenia is hearing voices, not doing voices.

People get really irritated by mental illness.

I feel bad about that, that I worship celebrities... but their moods create weather.

I express things through characters because I have a fear that my own voice is irritating because thats been said to me.

I would've been able to write anything about mental-health crises had I not felt good.

I have trouble watching singers because they are so sincere.

Here's the Middle East. Here's the mosque, here's the church, open the temple, everybody's MAD!