One of my friends went on a murder weekend, now he is doing life for it.
In my local newspaper, they had this advert: 'please look after your neighbours in the cold weather'. I live next door to this 84-year-old woman, and do you know, not once has she come round to see if I'm all right. The lazy cow hasn't even taken her milk in for a fortnight.
I hate people who think it's clever to take drugs... like custom officers.
I tend not to trust people who live in very tidy houses. I know that on the surface there is nothing wrong with a person being well-ordered and disciplined. Nothing, except that it leaves the impression of that person having lived in the confines of a stark institution which, although he or she has long since left, remains within.
They call it 'surfing' the net. It's not surfing. It's typing in your bedroom
People who are pro smacking children say, 'It's the only language they understand.' You could apply that to tourists.
Make lots of money. Enjoy the work. Operate within the law. Choose any two of three
I don't like men who blow-dry their hair. If you are a man and you blow-dry your hair, then I don't like you and that's all there is to it.
I really like rustic mediterranean cooking. And I like trying out curry takeaways.
I have had issues with depression all my life, and it's probably true to say there was a tendency towards it even when I was very young, during my schooldays. There was often - and this is quite common with comics - a sense of not feeling as if I belonged anywhere.
The jokes are great but what really matters for a comedian is his performance, his whole attitude, and the laughs that he gets between the jokes rather than on top of the jokes.
I spent the first 25 years of my life not knowing what I wanted to do.
But I like going to church. If you've been brought up in the Church of England, it feels like visiting an elderly relative. And I think it's important that part of the kids' education is knowing about the Bible.
I was so keen to become a comedian that actually doing the comedy itself almost came second.
Mmmm... the comedy that matters is the comedy you pull out of thin air. It's a bit like when something funny has happened and you try to explain it to someone else and end up saying, 'You had to be there'.
Comedy and tragedy are two sides of the same coin. A talent in one area might also lead to a predisposition in the other.
Well, I don't ever get excited. I haven't been excited since I got a Chopper bicycle when I was about 12. Once you get older you realise there's always a catch to everything. So when I get, say, a commission to make a TV show, the catch is that you have to deliver something and then the sense of responsibility overwhelms the joy of the occasion.
I think it is more a cautiousness that protects me from enthusiasm about things. I tend not to get excited. People perceive it as a scowl, which is fair enough.
Whenever you're in any acting role you are mortgaging your own character.
In many ways, not fitting in has been a comedic asset and a comedic resource.
The rain forest has Sting. Now Siberia has Jack Dee. Someone had to draw the short straw. In this case it was the rain forest.
And people are intrigued if I really am as grumpy in real life. People feel a bit let down if I'm laughing or smiling.
The film industry is like Anne Robinsonalways on the look-out for a new face
I love mixing with comedians when I'm working with them, but when I'm not I don't feel the need to hang around with them.
If I've inadvertently become some sort of role model for failed comedians, then it's really backfired very badly on me.
