Janeane Garofalo Quotes - Page 2

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

I despise in others my own characteristics.

You can tell a lot about a person by how excited they are to do the Macarena.

Blood may be thicker than water, but it is still sticky, unpleasant and generally nauseating.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together.'

We're our own worst enemies a lot of the time, but I still blame men.

I'm sorry for being me. I won't ever do it again.

So, apparently, if you are a pre-sentient mass of cells, this country will protect you and your rights to the n-th degree. If you have made the mistake of becoming an Iraqi citizen, apparently we can just drop bombs on you with impunity.

Now, granted, there are still as many heartbreaking things going on. There are so many things in the Obama administration to be sick over that certainly didn't change. And also our media, if it's possible, seems to be getting even worse. The alleged news media. And then there are the teabag racists adding insult to injury. But I don't have that same heartbreak anymore, because it's not fresh heartbreak anymore. It's like I'm used to it. I'm sure we all are just used to it.

German accents and Hassidic accents aren't that romantic. They're more harsh. Although Hebrew, when spoken by certain people, sounds beautiful. There's this beautiful woman I know who speaks Hebrew, and when she speaks, it's so attractive. Maybe it's who's speaking it.

How is it that this debate has been twisted on its head, that somehow those that advocate peace and diplomacy are anti-American?

Irrational crushes, infatuations, or obsessions. Whatever you want to label it, it's important to reach out to others.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Sage advice? If you're drunk, stay away from the phone. You can't get the answering machine message back.

I would have to say loneliness is next to uncleanliness.

I would prefer to be well-liked in any and all situations.

First of all, "redneck" is a state of mind, not a person. So the "racist redneck" thing is a state of mind, not a geographical location. So I don't mean to imply that it's just Southerners. And if you don't recognize the racist underpinnings and the emotional reactive response you're getting from these teabaggers because we have a black president, then you are either being dishonest, or you've never seen the teabaggers.

When I talk about people wrapping themselves in the flag and hiding behind Jesus - that's an anti-intellectual thing to do in the political process, because legally, allegedly we have a separation between church and state. That's a legal precedent that's never observed. When people are trying to do something that's not in your best interest, they will wrap it in the flag and hide behind Jesus, which is a corrupt thing to do.

But let me ask you this though, first and foremost: who's your favorite Spice Girl? Mine is Sporty Spice and I'll tell you why. You know what? She might not be as aesthetically pleasant as the rest but she'll do a backflip and steal your heart.

I should also say, in general, I just drank a lot. I shouldn't characterize it as "to get the courage to perform." It was just an in-general nighttime activity. It definitely made it easier when I started doing stand-up. It was just much simpler to do a couple of shots. It made my nerves go away, for the most part. It just was something I sort of relied on for about the first four years.

The Bible, I've said it before, is a beautifully written work of fiction.

I don't really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don't.

I think the parts I was offered when I was younger, where I was asked to play that kind of slacker person, that was just because people would go, "Oh, she has dyed black hair." I guess that's how they thought I looked. I played a couple of those roles, and then unfortunately you get pigeonholed really fast, and then you just keep getting asked to do that. And now it would be weird at the age of 46 for me to play a slacker. It would look like I was nuts.

I don't hate myself, as a general rule. I'd say the best way to describe it is that I have moments of self-loathing at fairly regular intervals.

If you don't do any self-examinations or see a doctor ever, you'll live forever. That's how you do it. The diagnosis is what gets you. You just have a don't ask, don't tell policy with any and all bodily functions.