It was a great Olympics - Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow - especially when they had to make all of our "We're #1" T-shirts.
This week, a 95-year-old woman married a 98-year-old man to become the world's oldest newlyweds. They're registered at Bed, Sponge Bath and Beyond.
A new study found that most people can't go 10 minutes without lying. But since the study took 20 minutes nobody knows what to believe.
Halloween is tomorrow. A group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, "White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and ... we're alcoholics, aren't we?
In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he's talking about. Then he added, 'But he does know what he's talking about.'
Yesterday on CNN, Joe Biden said he hasn't made up his mind about whether he'll run for president in 2016. Which raises the question: 'Who was raising that question?'
Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, 'You know what, we're good. We're gonna head back now. We had enough.'
Mike Huckabee said he's the only person who has fought the Clinton political machine and won. As opposed to Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders, who's the only person who fought a fax machine and lost.
After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, 'Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?'
Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.
The BP president said yesterday that the company would survive. That's like someone running over your dog and saying, 'Don't worry, my car is fine.'
Director Ken Burns revealed that his next documentary is about Franklin Roosevelt, and it's fourteen hours long...which sounds like too much, until you realize there's been over thirty hours of TV dedicated to Honey Boo Boo.
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling was recorded on tape making racist comments. He now has been banned from the league for life. Great, just where Sterling wanted to end up - the blacklist.
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg apparently called President Obama directly to complain about NSA and how it spies on ordinary Americans. That's right, the guy who runs Facebook got mad at the NSA for spying on people. Talk about the pot unfriending the kettle!
I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.
Researchers in the U.K. have developed a vegetable called "super broccoli" designed to fight heart disease. Not to be outdone, researchers in America have developed a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo.
Yesterday the CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus.
Look, I know these Rick Perry jokes are a little mean, but tomorrow, he won't even remember them.
Now that the midterm elections are over, President Obama has invited congressional leaders from both parties to a meeting at the White House tomorrow. When asked if he's nervous, Obama said, 'Oh, I'm not going to be there. I just invited them over. They can figure it out themselves.'
Lincoln Chafee, former governor of Rhode Island, announced he's running for president. Before he announced he's running, his wife went on Facebook and asked his staff if they remembered his password. Because if a Facebook password is too hard to remember, the launch codes for the nukes should be a piece of cake.
According to a new poll, the number of Americans who trust Hillary is dropping. Specifically into a hole that Hillary covered with leaves.
Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands.
In a new interview, Herman Cain said that if Rick Perry were an ice cream flavor, he'd be 'Rocky Road.' I don't know, Perry's not really any flavor of ice cream. He's just the brain freeze part.
Big news from last night's Republican debate, you guys. It turns out George Bush was actually the smart Texas governor.
I got my shot at the movies. I love doing standup live. I didn't know what I wanted to do. I wanted to try movies, so I gave it a shot. I had two shots and I didn't really do it. That wasn't really happening for me. On the second movie I got to meet the girl that would be my wife. So I got to hang out with her and get engaged, and get the whole wedding thing. It was really great.
