Mitt Romney will travel to London where he will attend the Olympics opening ceremony. Of course it's going ot be weird when they're announcing all the countries, and he's like 'Got a bank account there, got one there, two bank accounts there.'
During an interview, former President George W. Bush discussed his painting hobby and said, 'Never paint your wife or your mother.' Then he added, 'Because it's almost impossible to get the paint out of their hair.'
When I was a kid, you would tune in to "The Tonight Show" before you went to sleep. Johnny Carson. A big treat. I know it's a privilege of mine to be able to be in people's homes. So I hope I make everyone proud, including my parents, and do a good job in this.
Barnes & Noble CEO William Lynch just announced that he is stepping down after three years. When asked if he's looking for a new job, he was like, 'Nah, just browsing.'
Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.
I had a gun and I had to run and shoot, which is not easy.
I don't even read the papers. I read 'USA Today' because it has color photos.
My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass.
On Tuesday, Utah Candidate Mia Love became the first black Republican woman elected to Congress. She's also a Mormon. Yeah, a black female Republican Mormon. Even unicorns are saying, 'Not buyin' it.'
Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'
Regis Philbin's back in primetime, hosting 11 new episodes of 'Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.' But because of Obama's tax plan, it's been re-titled 'Who Wants To Win Just Under $250,000.'
I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.
I honestly, purposely have not gone to therapy because I know some crazy stuff's going to be dragged up and, you know, I'll be like, 'Wait, what?'
I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.
In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President?
God invented mankind because he loved silly stories. Ralph Steadman I like being absurd.
It's all about the script. Reality is key to me and less cutesy.
If people want to see you, they'll find you. If they don't see you on TV, they'll find you on the Internet.
We had the guys from X Men 2 do the cameras. They had a 360 camera that would go from one car, up in the air and over to another car in a continuous shot while the film was still rolling, going 90 mph.
In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.
A man in Thailand was arrested with more than 10,000 pairs of stolen underwear. Legal experts are expecting a brief trial.
Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.
President Obama is getting a new limousine that will have advanced night-vision capabilities. The technology even has a cool name ... headlights.
After facing backlash from customers, Subway says it will remove a chemical in its bread that is also found in yoga mats. Some people were like, 'You mean I've been eating a dangerous chemical?' While most people were like, 'You mean I can eat my yoga mat?'
Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds - or around 12 American dollars.
