New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.
The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it's part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'
Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama.
Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.
President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo just signed a bill that bans powdered alcohol from the state. So if you live in New York and you're consuming powdered alcohol, your life just somehow got even worse.
Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.
The TSA's airport body scanners have been shown to be so ineffective, the Homeland Security chairman suggested using traditional metal detectors. While LaGuardia will continue to just have a scarecrow dressed as a cop.
I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.
I just feel like people like a little break. Especially at 12:37 at night, you go, like, 'I'm just tired of the snarky right now. I just want to lie down and have somebody make me laugh for an hour. Entertain me, and then I'm going to sleep with a smile on my face.' That's my job; that's what I do.
I read that yesterday, the Mexican peso hit its lowest point since March of 2009. In fact, things got so bad, it was seen leaving a bar with the American dollar.
Even the White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. Yesterday they encouraged Tom Brady to 'be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.' And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday.
According to a new report, since he's been governor, Chris Christie has spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Now, I know it seems like the perfect story for a Chris Christie joke but I'm actually on a Chris Christie joke diet. So nothing for me, thanks.
Tomorrow President Obama will host NASCAR racing champion Kevin Harvick at the White House. They both said they look forward to spending an hour or two not having the slightest interest in what the other is saying.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton's only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, 'Oooo, appetizers!'
Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing.
A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a 'self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard.' Or as Trump put it, 'You forgot very rich ... I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich.'
Researchers here in New York created a robot that actually passed a self-awareness test. So if you're keeping score, that's robots: 1, Donald Trump, 0.
President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he'd want the ability to speak any language. That's so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers.
While he was in Utah, Obama discussed immigration reform with leaders of the Mormon Church. Obama introduced the first lady. Then the church's president introduced HIS first lady. And his second lady. And his third, fourth, and fifth ladies.
During his weekly address to the nation, President Obama discussed higher education and said, 'The most important skill you can sell is your knowledge.' Or as English majors working at Starbucks put it, 'No it's not.'
This weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama.
After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, 'Hi, I'm here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'
Many people are noting the difference between Hillary Clinton's friendly public appearances and her blunt and direct Twitter account. Yeah, she's nice in person, and mean on the Internet. You know, kinda like EVERYONE.
We have first lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight. As you'd expect, security's been pretty tight. On my way in I got five pat-downs, and that was just from Joe Biden.
