Joseph Heller Quotes - Page 4

The promises of maniacs, like those of women, are not safely relied upon.

Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble.

I think in every country that there is at least one executive who is scared of going crazy.

I've come to look upon death the same way I look upon root-canal work. Everyone else seems to get through it all right, so it couldn't be too difficult for me.

I don't believe in miracles because it's been a long time since we've had any.

Man was matter, that was Snowden's secret. Drop him out a window, and he'll fall. Set fire to him and he'll burn. Bury him and he'll rot, like other kinds of garbage. The spirit gone, man is garbage. That was Snowden's secret. Ripeness was all.

What do you do when it rains?" The captain answered frankly. "I get wet.

Death to all modifiers, he declared one day, and out of every letter that passed through his hands went every adverb and every adjective.

They couldn't keep Death out, but while she was in she had to act like a lady.

If Richard Nixon was second-rate, what in the world is third-rate?

I never even realized I was Jewish until I was practically grown up. Or rather, I used to feel that everybody in the world was Jewish, which amounts to the same thing.

If God was dead, how could I feel this bad?

He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

How did I get here? Somebody pushed me. Somebody must have set me off in this direction and clus-ters of other hands must have touched themselves to the controls at various times, for I would not have picked this way for the world.

The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as we could with both of them.

I couldn't see much point in tying myself down to a middle-aged woman with four children, even though the woman was my wife and the children were my own.

Let's take a drive into the middle of nowhere with a packet of Marlboro lights and talk about our lives.

He was never without misery, and never without hope.

Clevinger was a troublemaker and a wise guy. Lieutenant Scheisskopf knew that Clevinger might cause even more trouble if he wasn't watched. Yesterday it was the cadet officers; tomorrow it might be the world. Clevinger had a mind, and Lieutenant Scheisskopf had noticed that people with minds tended to get pretty smart at times. Such men were dangerous, and even the new cadet officers whom Clevinger had helped into office were eager to give damning testimony against him. The case against Clevinger was open and shut. The only thing missing was something to charge him with.

Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.

Someone had to do something sometime. Every victim was a culprit, every culprit a victim, and somebody had to stand up sometime to try to break the lousy chain of inherited habit that was imperiling them all.

When people disagreed with him he urged them to be objective.

All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

The smartest people in Washington are the political reporters. They write about their inferiors.

Let someone else get killed!