Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
No one knows who the real me is, so I can be a hundred different kinds of me.
Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.
If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?
I used to carry a rabbit's foot for luck. Then it was a monkey's paw. Now it's a camel's toe.
Still blows my mind that toilet paper isn't free.
He resisted for a while and there were some legal boundaries, you know, keeping me from being near him or his family, but in the end, love overcame. And I got what I wanted. I always get what I want.
I'm so happy to be around people. I just really like people, and being a freelancer can be lonely during the day, when you're at home trying to write anything you can.
This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.
Most of the people I know in comedy are not weird or messed up.
I would love for people to know that the label feminist is something that everyone should wear proudly, because it just means that you support women.
Fingernails are for opening things and toenails are for storing precious minerals off the ground.
A kiss is like a fight, with mouths.
1st Valentine's Day: 200,000 BC men and women congregate on opposite sides of Pangaea, waiting for someone to make the first move.
I think I've always had a disconnect from what I'm supposed to be like.
The first time I was on TV, on "Flight of the Conchords," someone put up a YouTube clip and said, 'You're too ugly to be on TV.' And I was like, 'That is exactly why it's a good thing that I'm on TV.'
If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.
Guys. If your pants are below your ass you have no right to accuse any lady of dressing slutty.
The service at this airport restaurant is so bad I'm starting to panic that I'm a ghost.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele - should be fun - and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners.
I'd hate to be a writer forever and never perform, and I'd hate to perform and not write. I get sad if time has passed and I haven't written or made anything. I'm an artist.
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
All the best movies are the ones that are cut from a more middle ground.
One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!
