She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas
Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce
Congress: Bingo with billions.
Today's comics use four-letter words as a shortcut to thinking. They're shooting for that big laugh and it becomes a panic thing, using four-letter words to shock people.
I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.
Imitation isn't the sincerest form of flattery - it's plagiarism.
I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.
Our principles are the springs of our actions. Our actions, the springs of our happiness or misery. Too much care, therefore, cannot be taken in forming our principles.
If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.
I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.
I just want to be known as a clown because to me, that's the height of my profession. It means you can do everything - sing, dance and, above all, make people laugh.
Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
God's children and their happiness are my reasons for being.
I'd have avoided some of the pain if I could. Anyone would. But I wouldn't have missed knowing any of the people-even the ones whose leaving hurt most. In fact, the only thing I'm sorry about is that I didn't meet one particular guy, a clown named Joe Skelton. You know, he sure picked the right profession. I mean, a clown's got it all. He never has to hold back: He can do as he pleases. The mouth and the eyes are painted on. So if you wanta cry, you can go right ahead. The make up won't smear. You'll still be smiling. . . .
You know, last night it was so cold that my pillow and my sheets fought to see who got under the blankets first.
I have a sixth sense, but not the other five. If I wasn't making money, they'd put me away.
Wouldn't it be a pity if someone said that is a prayer and that would be eliminated from schools, too?
I only come to life when there are people watching.
I left home because I was hungry.
Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.
I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.
Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.
It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and they'll come out for it.
