Emo Philips Quotes

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I took my grandmother to the emergency room. The doctor said that she was on an artificial life support system, and that although her brain was dead her heart was still beating. I though, "we've never had a democrat in the family before".

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don't know what she charges him.

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

Once I was in a restaurant and I dropped my fork on the floor, and they gave me a new fork. So I pushed my girlfriend out of her chair.

I pray a simple prayer every morning. It's an ecumenical prayer. Whether you're Catholic or Jewish or Muslim or Hindu, I think it speaks to the heart of every faith. It goes “Lord please break the laws of the universe for my convenience. Amen.”

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

When I was ten, my family moved to Downer's Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm not a fatalist; even if I were, what could I do about it?

I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on her hand on purpose.

When I was a kid, my favourite time of the year when I was child was that magical first snowfall. I'd yell Yippee! Snow! and run up to the front door and shout You know the deal... You have to let me in now.

I read that nine out of 10 women fantasize about having an unknown man leap through their bedroom window at night and make mad, passionate love to them. Who would think with those odds, I would now be facing 150 hours of community service.

Don't wear fur! Did you know, a single fur coat takes fifteen trees, just for the protest signs?

I'm learning Cuban. It's like Spanish, but with fewer words for luxury items.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, how are you going to get into the corners?"

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

The Scots are a very tough people. They have drive-by headbuttings. In Glasgow a sweatband is considered a silencer.

Not everybody hates me. Only the people who've met me.

When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, "Emo, don't go near the cellar door!" One day when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like... trees. Grass. Flowers. The sun... that was nice... the sun.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.