There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.
All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
I personally believe that each of us was put here for a purpose -- to build not to destroy. If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always
Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
Live by this credo: have a little laugh at life and look around you for happiness instead of sadness. Laughter has always brought me out of unhappy situations.
I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.
Television: The device that brings into your living room characters you would never allow in your living room.
I don't hate my enemies. After all, I made 'em.
My doctor said I look like a million dollars - green and wrinkled.
Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
If by chance some day you're not feeling well and you should remember some silly thing I've said or done and it brings back a smile to your face or a chuckle to your heart, then my purpose as your clown has been fulfilled.
Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.
No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds.
Heard about the young deaf boy who used sign language-One day he told his mother a dirty joke and she washed his hands out with soap
I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.
I don't pick on politicians. They ain't done nothin'.
She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off
A fellow told me he was going to hang-glider school. He said, 'I've been going for three months. ' I said, 'How many successful jumps do you need to make before you graduate?' He said, 'All of them. '
When anyone hurts us, my wife and I sit in our Japanese sand garden and drink iced tea. There are five stone in the garden - for sky, wind, fire, water, and earth. We sit and think of five of the nicest things we can about the person who hurt us. If he hurts us a second time, we do the same thing. The third time, we light a candle, and he is, for us, dead.
I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.
I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.
I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin
