Richard Jeni Quotes - Page 2

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.