I'm a black, gay woman. I think the only way to make the GOP hate me more is if I sent them a video of me rolling around on a pile of welfare checks.
When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.
If you feel like there's something out there that you're supposed to be doing, if you have a passion for it, then stop wishing and just do it.
These CEOs, man ... If you're that ruthless, you're a scary dude. I tell you, now when I walk past a little gang banger, I don't even blink. But if I see a white dude with a Wall Street Journal, I haul ass. Before I walk past the Arthur Andersen building, I cut through the projects. If you cut through the projects, you may just lose what you have on you that day. I ain't never been mugged of my whole future.
I'm here today because I refused to be unhappy. I took a chance.
If you don't believe in same-sex marriage, then don't marry somebody of the same sex.
To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in the mail one day and say, 'Aw, sh - , I'm secretary of state next month.
As soon as you say 'I do,' you'll discover that marriage is like a car. Both of you might be sitting in the front seat, but only one of you is driving. And most marriages are more like a motorcycle than a car. Somebody has to sit in the back, and you have to yell just to be heard.
Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.
I don’t understand why people really get upset about something that doesn’t affect them at all.
I don't like the saying keep your friends close and enemies closer. I want my enemy on a different planet.
It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.
I love my family but my family - they're the type of people that never let you forget anything you ever did... I was in the first grade Christmas play - I'm playing Mary. Now, during the course of the play, I dropped the baby Jesus... They still talk about this. I go to my family reunion, and one of my cousins just had a baby. So I'm like, 'Oh, that's a cute little baby. Let me hold the baby...' And my aunt runs over, 'Don't you give her that baby! You know she dropped the baby Jesus!'
I hate when women compare men to dogs. Men are not dogs. Dogs are loyal. I've never found any strange panties in my dog's house.
When my wife and I leave California, I want to have my marriage recognized in Nevada, Arizona, all the way to New York. How can you stop people from loving each other? How can you get upset about loving?
L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving 'cause it interferes with my drinking.
What gets me is when celebrities aren't allowed to have an opinion on anything political. There's the whole 'Shut up and sing' thing.
The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.
If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.
I'm proud to be a woman. I'm proud to be a black woman, and I'm proud to be gay.
I enjoy stand-up because it has the biggest reward: instant gratification. You can hear the people laughing.
Some government workers are dedicated and work hard, but most of them are just waiting to retire.
You can't make a woman happy. That's like trying to cure a fatal disease. The goal is to treat the symptoms so you can comfortably live with the illness.
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
It's not until you develop your own voice, your own persona onstage that you become your own comic, who you really are.
