Richard Jeni Quotes

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

You know what the average person is? Average.