George Burns Quotes

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

And God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

If I had taken my doctor's advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn't have lived to go to his funeral.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.

There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.

When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.

Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.