Tim Vine Quotes - Page 2

My friend told me he was going to a fancy-dress party as an Italian island. I said: 'Don’t be Sicily’.

So I was getting into my car and this bloke says to me, 'Can you give me a lift?' I said, 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.' He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I'll tell you what makes my blood boil?... Crematoriums.

I met this gangster who pulls up people's pants. Name's Wedgie Kray.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence. I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it. I always want to condense a joke

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom. The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you. I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch, signed by David Soul.

I'd like to start with the chimney jokes - I've got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'