Tim Vine Quotes

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.

I took part in the sun-tanning Olympics – I just got bronze.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

One-armed butlers, they can take it but they can't dish it out

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first.' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo'. He said 'You're closest.'

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I phoned the local ramblers club today and this bloke just went on and on.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

Believe it or not, there are twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it.

When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.