My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.
This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.
My girlfriend is despicable. I just found out she flirted with my brother, during my mom's funeral, while I was asleep.
I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.
I'm actually a really nice guy, once you get to blow me.
Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.
Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.
I prefer to sleep with deaf girls. Those crazy chicks never have a safe word.
I let a friend set me up on a blind date. It was a disaster. She ended up being a burn victim. By the end of the night.
Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.
You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.
Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?
Todd Glass has amazing energy on stage. Dave Attell is one of my favorites because he's a one liner comic who is always incredibly in the moment with the audience. As for newer people, I think Adrienne Iapalucci writes some great, dark jokes and Sean Patton has a hilarious voice on stage.
My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.
I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.
A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'
I had to break up with my last girlfriend for lying about being raped by her neighbor. But I've met her neighbor, he's a cool guy. Not like her other creepy ass neighbor though.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.
Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'
I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.
