Anthony Jeselnik Quotes - Page 3

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

I killed a squirrel once with a car. Twice with a tennis racket.

You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.

I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.

I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.

The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.

My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?

I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.

I was a weird kid because I liked to be alone, but I craved attention. It was important for me to be cool, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut. So I was either talking for the sake of talking, or I was curled up with a book somewhere hiding from everyone.

We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."

Childhood obesity affects all pedophiles.

Dark humor appealed to me because it was a bigger laugh than you could get with anything else. Seeing people laugh at something inappropriate with their whole bodies, a guttural, visceral laugh beyond a mere "hah."

I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

Father's Day makes me wish I could talk to my Dad just one more time, instead of all the time.

I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.

She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'

Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.

When my girlfriend cooks dinner, I'm happy to do the dishes. Because I make her wash dishes when I take her to a restaurant.

The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.

I hated my mom for not letting me play football as a kid. So when I have kids someday, I guarantee they'll never meet their grandmother.

Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.