Anthony Jeselnik Quotes - Page 4

You look like you deep fry your hands before you bite your fingernails.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

Jeff Ross has been roasting people since Whitney Cummings was nothing but a glint in the eye of the man who raped her mother.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

Everyone gets laid off and everyone in Hollywood gets unemployment for six months while they're looking for a new job. So I would just do stand-up for six months and think I was really making it, and when my unemployment ran out, I had to get another job immediately.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell fire.

When I was seven, I broke my leg playing soccer. Just to feel something.

I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.

If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.

The true meaning of Christmas is actually centuries of gullibility.

It was important to me to be cool as a comedian. I didn't want to be a crowd-pleaser who sent out the vibe of, "I need you guys." I wanted to be so cool that the audience could leave and I would still be killing, that I didn't want to have to rely on them or need them. That really appealed to me.

In the second grade, I would just get bored and a joke would pop into my head and I would have to say it. It was almost like I had some brilliant novel in my head that I had to get down, and I would interrupt class all the time and get in trouble.

My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.

I'm inspired by making people laugh at subjects that should make them cry.

In a late-night monologue, it's not just about being funny; you have to come off as knowledgeable. You have to cultivate a persona of trust and intelligence and likeability.

There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.

My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.

I don't ever want to have kids of my own. But I do want a lot of kids.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

Katey Sagal, you are an incredible actress. You worked on ‘Married with Children,’ the show that changed comedy, ‘Sons of Anarchy,’ the show that took comedy to a whole new level and ‘8 Simple Rules,’ the show that killed John Ritter.

I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.

My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.

2010 has been awesome. I got to write on the David Hasselhoff Roast this summer, and that's always been a dream.

My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.

I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.