Anthony Jeselnik Quotes - Page 8

Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex. We're not even that loud. But he used to date my girlfriend.

On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.

I'll be very busy, which is all I need.

I like to read, but otherwise I'm just your average, self-obsessed comedian. It's pretty much all I think about.

I come up with my jokes by thinking of a topic.

I tell very mean jokes.

Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.

I'm a comedian and there are a lot of things I'm still learning. I love one liners because I love smart jokes. I also don't like complaining about society or whining about my life on stage.

I'm not a comedy writer, I'm a comedian, so I only write stuff that I would want to say.

I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

I got into comedy because I wanted to get into writing.

I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.

In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.

I always loved comedy, but it never seemed like something that I could do professionally.

Ellen Barkin, your upcoming TV show ‘The New Normal’ premiers on September 11th. September 11th, that sounds about right. Every clip I’ve seen feels like I’m watching a third tower collapse.

I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.

I'm fascinated by offensive subject matter. Always have been. It is very natural to me, as any teach I've ever had growing up could attest.

Amy [Schumer] and I each have our cross to bear when it comes to tattoos. Amy and I are funny when we fight. It just keeps escalating until one of us starts laughing. Then it's over. I'm happy that we're friends.

That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.

I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.

I enjoyed writing for someone elses voice, but I wasnt very good at it.

God, that Anthony Jeselnik Show sounds really funny.