Aziz Ansari Quotes - Page 2

The problem is there's a new group. I'm talking about this tiny slice of people that have gotten way too fired up about the Trump thing for the wrong reasons. I'm talking about these people that as soon as Trump won, they're like, we don't have to pretend like we're not racist anymore. We don't have to pretend anymore. We can be racist again. Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no. If you're one of these people, please go back to pretending.

At the risk bragging, one of the things I'm best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

Most people would say 'the deets', but I say 'the tails'. Just another example of innovation.

It's much more fun to share and laugh at the bad times and the frustrations. I find you get a much deeper connection with the audience that way.

Yes, I'm married. But my wife understands that a good politician has to be appealing to the ladies. The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to us both.

I have an amazing metabolism. I'm sure that'll be gone one day. But I like to exercise, too, so I don't think I'll ever get really fat.

What if I couldn't read? I wouldn't be able to text my friends movie times or even order cheese biscuits from Red Lobster!

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

One of my life goals is to be a best man. It's a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid, usually standing from behind.

Oh, what's this in my shoe? Red carpet insole. Everywhere I go, I'm walking on red carpet.

I was 18 when I started. I was hanging out with some friends and they asked if I had tried stand-up before. I hadn't, but I thought: 'What the hell?' So I went to an open mic night, and I liked it.

Most single people I know, myself included, have a difficult time even meeting up with the people they like, be it busy schedules, texting games, or whatever.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

I'm kind of obsessed with food. I like to eat.

It's the hardest thing to come up with an hour of material that can consistently keep people laughing.

Yeah, I've been a little down. Totally natural. I'm getting a divorce, but now I'm ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.

I think absurdist humor is funny.

Everyone just did what their parents did. So that immediately made me skeptical of the whole religion thing, even as a kid. So I never was really into religion as a concept.

Maybe that's why I don't like religion because the first introduction to it was, you don't get to do that thing you just discovered that you really enjoy.

You should really treat stand-up like you would a play. It's a one-man play.

After you do a joke a few times, you have material that you know works. Although sometimes I have a joke that has worked a bunch of times and then one night it’ll flop. And that’s when I really take a hard look at myself and say: "Well, that crowd is obviously wrong. That crowd has absolutely no idea what it’s talking about."

The four sweetest words in the English language — 'You wore me down.'

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn't notice.

I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'

I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.