The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.
I don't answer fan mail. I don't have time for that. It's like hundreds of thousands of people who think they're going to become millionaires getting autographs from movie actors. I don't have time for those idiots. I've got stuff to do.
Buddy Hackett [was] talking - this is Hackett, not me - about the Virgin Mary, a limerick sort of thing, and all these children and families ... the look of absolute horror. He's going on and on and on, and finally he stops. It's just total horror, and the camera's still rolling. You can hear it, sort of a grinding noise. And the director says, "Anything else, Bud?"
Yeah, I think that's sort of the American way. And it's also the Polish way, it turns out.
I try to be alert and available. I try to be available for life to happen to me.
I've been lucky, I've had movies that made a lot of money, so I don't feel like I have to kill every time out. I don't want that pressure. I don't need it.
I smell varmint poontang. And the only good varmint poontang is dead varmint poontang, I think.
Mrs. O'Hair died horribly, a victim of the world she helped to shape. Without the Deity she fought so hard against, there is no right and wrong, increasingly people are ruled by their passions and humanity is a tragedy waiting to happen.
People only talk about what a joyous experience it is, but there is terror: Your life, as you know it, is over. It's over the day that child is born. It's over, and something completely new starts.
The critics. When they're right, they're right for the wrong reasons. And they're usually wrong.
Well it's hard to be yourself, it's the hardest job there is.
While I have felt lonely many times in my life, the oddest feeling of all was after my mother, Lucille, died. My father had already died, but I always had some attachment to our big family while she was alive. It seems strange to say now that I felt so lonely, yet I did.
When you act obnoxious towards people, like on a movie set, they say "we're ready for you" and I say "oh, go to hell, my feet hurt and my head aches." You want to have a margarita for lunch, and people like these little ADs and production assistants are like, "well, he's drinking again."
I wanted to be a doctor once upon a time, but it turns out you've got to study, and that wasn't going to happen. I had no idea what I was going to do. I had trouble holding jobs because they want you to be on time. That wasn't going to work.
When I feel like I'm stuck, I do something - not like I'm Mother Teresa or anything, but there's someone that's forgotten about in your life, all the time. Someone that could use an 'Attaboy' or a 'How you doin' out there.
To people who want to be rich and famous, I'd say, "Get rich first and see if that doesn't cover it."
I would jump into the middle of the street and say, "excuse me, there's a Mercedes that's got to get through here." And I would push people out of the way, "get out of the way! Let him through!" Smacking their cars and stuff. Just like, "whack" and you just jump into it.
When I work, my first relationship with people is professional. There are people who want to be your friend right away. I say, "We're not gonna be friends until we get this done. If we don't get this done, we're never going to be friends, because if we don't get the job done, then the one thing we did together that we had to do together we failed."
Different vodkas have different effects. Some make you feel a little... poly-lingual. Some make you feel like you want to talk back to someone who's giving you a hard time. Some make you feel like lifting kettle bells.
I was at the New York Film Critics Circle Awards one year - they called me up when somebody canceled two days before the thing, and asked me to present some awards. So I went, and one of the funniest film moments I've ever had was when they introduced the New York film critics. They all stood up - motley isn't the word for that group. Everybody had some sort of vision problem, some sort of damage - I had to bury myself in my napkin.
I went to Second City, where you learned to make the other actor look good so you looked good and National Lampoon, where you had to create everything out of nothing, and SNL, where you couldn't make any mistakes, and you learned what collaboration was.
I think there's only so many people that can take care of themselves, and can take care of other people. And the rest of the people … they're useful in terms of compost for the whole planet, you know.
There's definitely a lot of trash that comes with the prize of being famous. It's a nice gift, but there's a lot of wrapping and paper and junk to cut through. Back then, when a movie came out and people saw you on the street, their reaction was so supercharged that it was scary. It would frighten other people. It used to really rattle me. I mean, everybody would love to have their clothes torn off by a mob of girls, but being screamed at is different.
I think that the online world has actually brought books back. People are reading because they're reading the damn screen. That's more reading than people used to do.
I think all phases of one's career are serious if you take it seriously no matter if you are doing high profile dramatic pieces or not.
