I'd get demolitions experts to rig mother to implode like a skyscraper.
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
I'll defend child pornography, how about that? What's wrong with seeing some child pornography? What if you watch child pornography because you find it hilarious? Then should it not a protected freedom of speech?
They never differentiate between drug users and drug addicts... I've done most drugs there are socially, I never had a problem.
I go on stage, it's like I'm leading you into battle; you are not all going to be here at the end.
You forget, when you're in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don't speak English first and they speak better than I do.
I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.
The internet has done nothing but good for comedy all around. Comedians no longer have to rely on TV execs and club owners deciding if they are funny or not.
It was either me or Confucius that said the journey of a thousand miles begins with a vicious ass raping at airport security.
If you get made fun of working at Pier One Imports, you can't pelt them with poop.
Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.
Some people just join the military because they need college money. Then they're idiots and college wasn't going to help.
There's a lot of meth [in Bisbee]. So there's an ex-cop-car Tahoe and a BE DRUG FREE van parked right in front of my house.
