Doug Stanhope Quotes - Page 8

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

I recommend to you, in my last, an innocent piece of art: that of flattering people behind their backs, in presence of those who, to make their own court, much more than for your sake, will not fail to repeat, and even amplify, the praise to the party concerned. This is of all flattery the most pleasing, and consequently the most effectual.

Religion is by no means a proper subject of conversation in a mixed company.

Everybody's angry. They've got nothing to be angry at, so they're angry about nothing.

Comedy is like music; it builds on itself. Once someone comes up with a theory or a different way of doing things, people start to mimic it on some level. That's why you go back to the guys you loved in the 80s... and it just seems tired now, because it was all foundation.

I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!

I need you to love me, I don't like me, either, if that helps.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

The whole institution of marriage itself really has no place in a progressive society.

If I say f*** the government, some will clap because they agree and some will clap just because you said f***. I've had countless audience members offer me free drugs but I also got free hernia surgery.

Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.

"This is Lakshmi Singh." It's like a tadpole dying in muck. Take a drink. Wet your mouth.

The Unbookables are supposed to be unbookable. That's what it's all about.

[Stand-up] might be ballsy, but I'd rather not be an actor. Actors are tools.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; it would be different if it was your own child. Well what if it wasn't?

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

In 20 years of comedy, I've probably had a dozen good points.

The more business gets involved, the less fun it is.

I'm just funnier when I'm drunk. Not falling-down drunk, just drunk enough to lose the self-doubt.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material.I can't look at the old tapes now.

People always try to palm me weed when I'm always talking about how I don't smoke weed. But they always try to ... and when they stop offering me weed, then I'm going to feel kind of out of touch, like: "What did I do wrong that you won't offer me drugs that I don't do?" Because I'll trade those drugs out for drugs that I do do.

My mother was always the one with the dark, really filthy sense of humor. She was a vulgar woman. She used to tell me to do comedy before I even tried it. She was always up for any gag.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.