Doug Stanhope Quotes about Funny

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.

All illegal narcotics are medicinal. Boredom is a disease worse than cancer. Drugs cure it, with little or no side effects if used as directed. Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile. You should be inventing new drugs is what you should be doing! Newer, crazier drugs... and more holes, that's what you ladies need!

Complaining that a comic is drunk is like going to a titty bar and complaining because your lapdancer is a communist.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

Babies are like poems. They're beautiful to their creator, but to other people, they're silly and they're irritating.

Mutations are exciting. They try to fix 'em when they come out. Did you see the two-headed baby they killed last month when they tried to cut it apart? That was hilarious!

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best... you feed her a tapeworm and hope it takes a left at the Y.

I hate when your friends quit drinking on you, don't you? It's sad. I've lost more friends to AA than Liberace did to the virus. It's sad to see 'em go. You see a thirty day chip on your buddy's key ring, it's like seeing a toe tag on his cold, stiff corpse.

Jesus died for your sins. I'm doing it for your mere entertainment dollar.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom. Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 years that hasn't just depressed me more.

I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.

As long as the people who kinda wanna go kill other people are going to go kill other people who kinda wanna go kill other people, you're killing all the right people and opening up all the best parking spaces.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

I've jammed enough things up my own ass just trying to come on any amphetamine based narcotic.

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.