Doug Stanhope Quotes

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won't bring their kids over to your house?

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

Not only are the voices in your head real, but they're accurate as well.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

You should laugh everywhere you can find even the slightest glimmer of humour.

Tradition and heritage are all dead people's baggage, stop carrying it. Move forward.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

Anything that I don't understand or can't do is stupid.

Life's temporary for a reason, it gets boring after awhile.

They say 'life is precious'. To who? To you, when you're young and you've got a few dollars in your pocket. Tell that to the 90-year-old lying awake at the graveyard shift in the nursing home, groaning with dementia. The only reason he hasn't killed himself is that he hasn't figured out a way he can do it with pudding.

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is Be a better lover. Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That's why I'm a bad lover? Do you have a pill that's gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.

If you really believe death leads to eternal bliss then why are you wearing a seatbelt?

What did you learn in school that you still use today? Go ahead teachers, tell me. What? Fear, conformity, don't question authority.

Life is like animal porn, it's not for everyone.

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.