Zach Galifianakis Quotes

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

I don't mean to be gross, but the only time it's good to yell "I have diarrhea" is when you're playing Scrabble because it's worth a shitload of points.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

I've never been in love... But I imagine it's similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food

I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.

If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.

I'll never forget my grandmother's last words. She said 'What are you doing?'

I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

Four years ago on this very day I tried to take my own life. And I said, "Zach, do it in front of your co-workers and end the misery." I don't know how many of you ever tried to jump off of a Pizza Hut, but you'll just get a sprained ankle out of the deal. Then you'll have to go back inside, and serve crazy bread.

My New Year's resolution was to stop saying 'You go, girl' to myself.

My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.

I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't laugh because he got distracted by my shoe strings.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

My forte is awkwardness.

Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.

I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'