Reality shows always look for the worst people.
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
Why is everybody afraid of going to Heaven? You want to be here with the smog and the sin and bad people and the war? Or do you want to be in Heaven, sitting next to Jesus, you know?
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
Living in Hollywood, you can get disconnected from everybody. You can feel like you are the only one.
The best thing about Las Vegas is that no one pretends to be responsible for your behavior like they do in the rest of the country. There's no meddling self-righteous liberals or right-wing Christian demagogues telling you that you can't do something fun with your own time and money. If you can afford it, it's yours.
I am happy that I ran the half-marathon, but to me, just running and saying that I finished a race isn't enough for me. I want to run the race as best as I can. Working out for pants size isn't enough. I need a goal or a race to get back on the treadmill every day.
It should be up to each bar owner and patron to decide if they want to smoke or not.
I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
But I don't want to lose touch with things like eating in Bob's Big Boy.
Exercise is the main thing that helped me lose weight.
The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you don't feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you don't have energy for anything. It's horrible.
There's nothing like the energy in a small comedy club room or a small theater when it's going really well. I can see everybody's face practically in the whole room. There's no cameras in the way, and it's just me.
I tried out for 'Jeopardy' once, when they came to Cleveland, but I didn't make it.
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.
There's a game called Checkout where there's grocery items and it's how much you think the manufacturer's suggested retail price is and we add up your total, then your total has to be within $2 of the regular total. I don't think I could ever win that game.
The difference between Las Vegas and Atlantic City is the difference between getting conned by a beautiful call girl and getting mugged by a crack head.
I don't have a Bluetooth thing on my ear. That bugs me.
I do get the comics online I guess but it's such a pain. I'd rather just get them in the paper and read them.
The less [government] the better.
I always run in the morning on an empty stomach, and I'll go through a bottle and a half of water. Then I have a protein drink or I eat egg whites.
I never thought I was a libertarian until I picked up Reason magazine and realized I agree with everything they had printed.
I've got to say that I don't see myself as some sort of political type like Alec Baldwin or Barbra Streisand. I don't want to come across like that. I'd be embarrassed if that was the way I came across.
Green Screen was a total experiment. I'm glad we did it, but it was just tough on that network to get it going.
Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.
