What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
President Reagan is a lot like E.T. He's cute, he's lovable, and he knows nothing about how Americans live.
I have always put my own money into Tails of Joy. For years, every time a dog walked by, my husband would say, 'There goes our beach house.'
I can't get married. I can't fake sleep for 30 years.
I think about death. I don't want to die with clothes in the cleaners.
To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
When I played the Sahara Hotel in Las Vegas on New Year's Eve, I got to bring Wiley, my 85-pound black lab. He's responsible for my favorite New Year's memory of all: At the end of the show, he ran onstage and then out across all the tables in the showroom, sending champagne glasses and gamblers flying.
San Francisco is really fun and liberal, and it's my kind of politics. It's like being Jewish in front of Jewish people.
Now that the Court has declared money to be speech, I say we replace the current Court with some Ben Franklins, Thomas Jeffersons, George Washingtons, a couple of Susan B. Anthony's, Roosevelts, Hamiltons, a Sacajawea or two, and an Abe Lincoln to cover Scalia in full.
I am thankful I was born in America, although if I gain any more weight the burqa thing may start to seem like a good idea to me. See? Another plus about America, you can always find some food.
The thing about breaking up when you get older, you just don't have the steam anymore. "Oh, that's it. I can't start shaving my legs above the knee again."
While editors and newspaper owners currently fret over shrinking readership and lost profits, they do the one thing that insures cutting their own throats; they keep reducing space for the one feature that attracts new young readers in the first place; the comic strips.
A man who was loved by 300 woman singled me out to live with him. Why? I was the only one without a cat.
I wasn't funny as a kid. I remember enjoying comedians, but I never understood it was a job choice or a profession.
Turkeys know their names, come when you call, and are totally affectionate. They're better than teenagers.
I run everywhere and eavesdrop. It's the best way to see a city.
There are many comedians who are afraid to work outside the coasts and the casinos because they're afraid they'll bomb.
I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.
Citizens are all equal in politics: we each have one vote.
I just get the feeling that if Jesse Helms was in charge of art in America, you'd go into a museum and see nothing but prints of dogs playing cards.
I don't categorize myself. I don't think I'm perceived as a female act by my audience. My fans include just as many men as women.
My family was totally non-religious. There was no question we were Jewish, but we were not observant.
I’ve thought for the last decade or so, the only actual place raw truth was seeping through in newspapers was on the Comics Pages. They were able to pull off intelligent social comment, pure truths not found elsewhere in the news pages, and had the ability to make it all funny, entertaining, and pertinent.
Horse racing is waning in popularity.
I love being down at Occupy Wall Street. The sincerity, the youth involvement, the desire for better, is palpable and moving. There is true caring, sharing, and refreshingly naïve hope.
