You don't need people’s opinion on a fact. You might as well have a poll asking: ‘Which number is bigger, 15 or 5?’ or ‘Do owls exist?’ or ‘Are there hats?'
Democracy is like a tambourine, not everyone can be trusted with it.
Drug companies are a bit like high school boyfriends - they're much more concerned with getting inside you than being effective once they're in there.
The Confederate flag is one of those things that should only be seen on t-shirts, belt buckles and bumper stickers to help the rest of us identify the worst people in the world.
Economics is like the Dutch language - I'm told it makes sense, but I have my doubts.
I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and you might be about to pass away bloated on the toilet. But you're still the King.
One thing that America is objectively exceptional at is overreacting whenever anyone accuses them of not being exceptional.
Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.
Everybody should care about facts. That is something all of us should agree on.
News is not a game show. You don't win a car if you happen to be right.
According to current Florida law you can get a gun, follow an unarmed minor, call the police, have them explicitly tell you to stop following [the minor] and choose to ignore that, keep following the minor, get into a confrontation with them, and if at any point during that process you get scared you can shoot the minor to death, and the state of Florida will say, 'Well, look: you did what you could.'
You don't need people's opinion on a fact.
I'm British. I don't really have access to my emotions on a daily basis.
I think deep down, this planet yearns for the days of the British Empire again. They long once more to be treated that badly, that politely. We did far worse things than you can possibly dream of, but we did it with that certainly gentlemanly swagger... Dreadfully sorry, but we seem to have crushed your entire continent's infrastructure. Allow me to make it up to you by offering you a job 4,000 miles away. No, no, I insist.
Anybody who claims to be excited for April Fools' Day is probably a sociopath.
Congress never loses its capacity to disappoint you.
It's a great time to be doing political satire when the world is on a knife edge.
Ads are baked into content like chocolate chips into a cookie. Except, it’s actually more like raisins into a cookie - because nobody f---ing wants them there.
As a general rule, no one should ever be allowed to say there is no history of racial tension here, because that sentence has never been true anywhere on Earth.
Campaign ads are the backbone of American democracy if American democracy suffered a gigantic spinal injury.
I have exactly as much rhythm as you think I have.
I get nostalgic for British negativity. There is an inherent hope and positive drive to New Yorkers. When you go back to Britain, everybody is just running everything down. It's like whatever the opposite of a hug is.
Florida, just because you're shaped like some combination of a gun and a d*ck doesn't mean you have to act that way.
I would hate to meet myself at 15.
People are always going to say stupid things, and you're always going to be able to make jokes about that, but it should be the last thing you add in, because it's the easiest thing.
