If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we'd all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.
Christians, you and your churches don't get to be millionaires while other people have nothing at all. They're your bloody rules! Either stick to them or abandon the faith.
Never Google yourself. Seriously, don't!
I don't mind not being cool; I wear a cardigan.
I'm more pompous and self-assured and determined that if - you know - if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.
Eventually, somewhere - be it on the Internet or somewhere else - I will host some version of 'The Daily Show.'
Jews, I know you're God's chosen people and the rest of us are just 'whatever', but when Israel behaves like a violent, psychopathic bully and someone mentions it, that doesn't make them anti-Semitic.
This goes out to the followers of the three Abrahamic religions: To the Jews, Christians, and Muslims. It's just a little thing, really. But do you think that when you're done smashing up the world and blowing each other to bits and demanding special privileges while you're at it... do you think the rest of us could have our planet back?
All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.
Offence is important; that's how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you're not offended. So dull.
Political correctness is as exploitable as any other progressive ideal, but its aim is to stifle the incessant noise of those who flap their careless lips without a thought about those they might offend and why that might be important.
No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end.
The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.
I have an addictive personality. Boarding school merely sent me more quickly on the downward spiral that dominated my childhood.
You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.
I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It's an amazing feeling.
If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone's going to agree with it.
I realised that to compare your insides with other people's outsides leads to unhappiness.
The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it's so straightforward and simple. If the audience don't laugh, you didn't do your job. I've had some audiences where I didn't care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.
I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.
I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn't have a clue.
I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.
I went to China for a brief working visit, and I thought that Shanghai was interesting, but Beijing totally grabbed me.
I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.
I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I'm a pretty good guy.
