I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
My fashion philosophy is, if you're not covered in dog hair, your life is empty.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.'
My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.
The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
Have you noticed that if you leave the laundry in the hamper long enough, it's ready to wear again?
People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less traumatic for the baby because it's under water. But it's certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
Men in power always seem to get involved in sex scandals, but women don't even have a word for 'male bimbo.' Except maybe 'senator.
When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.
Men put all kinds of expectations on you. They want you to scream 'You're the best' while swearing you've never done this with anyone before.
Pigs are smarter than dogs, and both are smarter than Congress.
My mother always said you could eat off her floor; you could eat of my floor too, there's so much food down there.
There's only one difference between Jews and Catholics. Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
For a single woman, preparing for company means wiping the lipstick off the milk carton.
I am thankful that all the people in the world who absolutely, positively, know what God wants, usually kill mostly each other.
A study last year showed that the page you turn to first in the newspaper can be a predictor of how long you will live. No surprise, turning first to the Comics Pages prolongs your life.
I am thankful the most important key in history was invented. It's not the key to your house, your car, your boat, your safety deposit box, your bike lock or your private community. It's the key to order, sanity, and peace of mind. The key is 'Delete.'
You know, if you need 100 rounds to kill a deer, maybe hunting isn't your sport.
Guys wake up at your place and they expect breakfast. They don't eat bagels and M&M's in the morning. They want things like toast. I say, 'I don't have these recipes.'
My brother is gay and my parents don't care, as long as he marries a doctor.
President Bush said he didn't want to renew the Assault Weapons Ban because it might 'infringe on hunters' rights'. Who needs an AK-47 machine gun to go hunting? Let me tell you guys something... If it takes you 500 rounds to bring down a deer, I don't want you going to the bathroom in MY house!
You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
I read books that say if you want to keep sex hot you tell a person what you want. How do you tell 'em you want somebody else?
