Frankie Boyle Quotes about Funny

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!