You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.
I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.
First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
I don't drink anymore, on the other hand I don't drink any less either.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
