I hope you slip in a puddle of AIDS and crack your head open
No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.
My whole existence is spent just trying to not shove bad food in my fat face. It's like a constant struggle. I'll do really good for a while, and then I do bad, then I do really good.
You have the sex appeal of Norman Fell.
Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.
For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.
Apologies; our cultural obsession with them isn't about actually being offended, or simply needing to hear, “I'm sorry.” It's not really about right or wrong. It's about wanting to throw a rock in the dark and hear something break.
You really are a badass, edgy guy who tells it like it is...about couscous.
The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
Mario you are a great chef but you look like a homeless James Gandolfini.
From now on, anyone raped at Penn State should just tell Joe Paterno's statue. It couldn't help you any less than the real Joe would have.
I appreciate that the New York Daily News will show dead bodies but blur the cover of a French parody magazine. Just out of respect, right guys?
People don't mind positive stereotypes. People don't mind positive assumptions. It's only negative assumptions about them. So their outrage is so arbitrary.
People are too worried a lot of times what other people in the audience are going to think about them, so they like to feign offense so other people don't think that they're inappropriate for laughing at something.
What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!
The only time the press doesn’t sensationalize information is when one of their own is kidnapped. Interesting how they show restraint then.
My job is to express who I am and what I hate about the country and what I love about it and what I hate about myself and what I love about myself and to make you laugh while I'm doing it.
I couldn't get laid with a sitcom and a rifle.
I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
I should call myself four market Norton. I'm great in Boston and Cleveland. I do good in Phillie, New Jersey.
You 50 year old one-breasted bag of meat. Just hang it up and be grateful some of your friends are still living.
When it comes to stand-up, people feel this need to voice their objection through groaning or being offended. It's really irritating... I mean I love what I do, but that's the irritating side of it.
I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.
