I saw a dog in a cage. And that cage had a sign on it that said, 'I bite.' And I was like, 'That is good to know doggy, but that's not the most important thing about you. You should make a sign that says, 'I make signs.''
Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?
Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?
People say pot-smokers are lazy. I disagree; I'm a multitasking pot-smoker: just the other day I was walking down the street, I was putting eyedrops in my eyes, I was talking on my cell phone, and I was getting hit by a car.
A friend is someone I complain to about my other friends.
Fortunately, most of my friends in comedy that smoke pot are almost as open about it as I am, and in some cases more so. But most that appear, it's more about friendship with me than making some statement about pot. I'm sure those of my friends who are onscreen smoking might have a little regret, but there's not too much of it.
LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.
Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.
A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.
I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.
You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.
The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.
I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.
Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.
The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.
Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.
I like Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory because some children deserve to be taken to a chocolate factory and tortured. I like Dawn of the dead because you don't normally get to kill all of the zombies hanging out at the mall.
Rappers should be forced to rhyme in their acceptance speeches.
Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it. On the other hand, no one really needs to defend drinking. That's something that frustrates me as a comic: I have to play clubs where selling booze runs the business, so crowds get drunk and yell out a bunch of stupid stuff at me. Pot doesn't cause people to do that. I did a show in Amsterdam a few months ago, and people weren't yelling stuff out at all. They also weren't laughing very much, but I think they were still having a good time.
If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.
That dude Stephen Falk that created You're The Worst, he used to work on the show Weeds, and we sort of came across each other then because he's a fan of podcasts, and he would listen to Doug Loves Movies. And then I auditioned for a part on Weeds and didn't get it, but it was an episode that he had written, so it was his idea to bring me in.We just sort of kept in touch. And then eventually, he and other cast members of You're The Worst were guests on Doug Loves Movies.
We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.
People come to me with ideas for shows, and I certainly am thinking of stuff all the time. And it's always like, you know, "Get high and drive a car!" Or "Get high and do this or that." It's always things like, "Well, that's a terrible idea to get high and do that." So, when they came to me with this, I was like, "Well, you're just sitting there and discussing cases."
I'm not physically harming any of these people by being high, and it's just interesting to see that I feel like my values and morals don't change at all when I'm high, but that's a constant. The thing that changes when I'm high is I am happier, and I'm not good with numbers.
