While There may be power in forgiveness, there is even more power in lobbing a Molotov cocktail through someone's dining room window.
And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.
What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
I'm embarrassed for us as a free society that we actually want people punished for saying things we don't like.
The funniest people I know always seem to be the ones surrounded by darkness. And that’s probably why they’re the funniest. The deeper the pit, the more humor you need to dig yourself out of it.
Why is comedy the only form of the arts where people think they have to agree with or approve the content? You don't walk through a museum with a towel and throw it over paintings you don't like.
What a shock that a guy who makes $2 million a week behaves exactly like I would with $2 million a week. As far as I’m concerned, if you make $2 million a week and you don’t have a hooker in your hotel room, you’re creepy and I don’t trust you. And I don’t do drugs at all, so for me it would just be more prostitutes. That’s how they would find me. I would be dead on the floor, flattened by a pile of prostitutes. I’d look like a cat in a hoarders’ house.
I wish I had AIDS so I could bite somebody.
Get a in clothes dryer with Magic Johnson and some razorblades.
People are dumb and they think that laughing equals cosigning a belief in the ideology, which it doesn't.
That's an interesting accent you got there. Are you from stroke-victim?
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. "You little fat-titted mediocre failure!" You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year's Eve.
That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.
God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.
You look like a diabetic strip club owner.
They don't tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
I hope you accidentally drink leukemia at a picnic.
I don't wear rubbers cause you can't catch it twice.
I'd rather hug Magic Johnson after he rolled around in barbed wire.
People are just self-centered-it's all about them. And we're telling people it's okay to be 'all about you' because you're a victim and it's not your fault. That's why society has gotten more and more belligerent and selfish.
It just seems like right now we’re in a place where people are being witch-hunted for expressing an opinion. Even if it’s a lousy opinion or a shitty opinion, and comics I don’t think can ever fall into the trap of any groups that want to censor what a person says or thinks or punish a person for expressing what they think. Anything you say about a social issue is going to offend half the country. I don’t care how nicely you say it, I don’t care how well you construct the joke, simply by stating the opinion, you are for something and anti something else.
There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future.
I don't pull out because... it's not my problem.
