Johnny Carson Quotes - Page 3

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself".

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

I couldn't care less what anybody says about me. I live my life, especially my personal life, strictly for myself... Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized. I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you.

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.