Johnny Carson Quotes - Page 2

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

I see a lot of new faces. Especially on the old faces.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace.