I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
I hated my last boss. He asked, Why are you two hours late? I said, I fell downstairs. He said, That doesn't take two hours.
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.
When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.
May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!
An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
I'm often asked, "What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted [The Tonight Show]?" I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous "Tomahawk Toss" that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.
Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.
I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.
Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.
Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
