Jon Stewart Quotes - Page 11

[If President Bush is right about democracy in Iraq] I may, and I don't know if I can physically do this, implode.

Please explain to me why John Kerry sounds more dickish telling the truth than Bush sounds when he's lying. How is that possible?

Much of John Kerry's recent surge has come at the expense of Howard Dean. The situation reflected in his hot new bumper sticker, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry.' It's cute and a lot more tasteful than the alternative version, 'Dated Dean, Married Kerry, Finger-Banged Kucinich.'

I don't think marijuana should be illegal.

We're going to do a challenge. I'm going to try and download every movie ever made and you are going to try to sign up for Obamacare - and we'll see which happens first.

The best way to describe my ability was to say that after the game the other kids would say to me, 'Way to try!'

It's the same argument people say about the blogs. The blogs are responsible. No, they're not. The blogs are like anything else. You judge each one based on its own veracity and intelligence and all of that.

People are very sophisticated consumers of information, and they're pulling all different things.

Don't worry, as long as America still has natural resources, you guys are okay.

I feel like the only thing that I can do, and I've been fired from enough jobs, that I'm pretty confident in saying this, the only thing that I can do, even a little bit better than most people, is create that sort of that context with humor. And that's my way of not being helpless and not being hopeless.

Give me back the $800 billion for the Iraq war and children's television PBS is on the house.

You know, I've always wanted to be a young Charles Kuralt. I started in this business with just a Winnebago and a dream.

Nineteen people flew into the towers. It seems hard for me to imagine that we could go to war enough to make the world safe enough that nineteen people wouldn't want to do harm to us. So it seems like we have to rethink a strategy that is less military-based.

The important thing is, that I guess I don't spend any time thinking about what I am or what we do means. I spend my time doing it.

I know that my job is to perform, it wouldn't be a very interesting show if I just came out one day and said, "I'm going to sit here in a ball and rock back and forth. And won't you join me for a half hour of sadness."

I don't know how people feel,that's the beauty of TV, is they can see us, but we can't see them.

If you want, you can try and get a broader perspective, or you can find people who are absolutely out of their minds, or find people that are doing incredibly complex and interesting and urgent journalism. And the same goes for our show. It's a prism into people's own ideologies, when they watch our program. This is just our take.

I don't consider myself a serious and social political critic.

Iran, Ireland, Israel. That's three countries, four religions that HATE each other. Way to go, 'I'.

You can buy [John McCain's] book, but in a week and a half, he'll have another.

[He died of thirst?] That sounds, if I might say, like the greatest Sprite commercial ever.

[John McCain] stopped connecting and just looked at my chest and decided, "I'm just gonna continue to talk about honor and duty and the families should be proud," all the things that are cudgels emotionally to keep us from the conversation. But, things that weren't relevant to what we were talking about.

You cannot judge a book by its contents.

Body hair. You know when you're swimming as a kid and you want to crawl on your dad? None of us went anywhere near him. 'My god, a beaver! Everyone out of the pool!

That, what we're really seeing in Iraq is not a terrible war, but in fact, just the media's portrayal of it.