Usually when Obama says, 'Let me be clear,' he's about to get into some very unclear sh*t.
New York became the first state to ban talking on hand-held cell phones while driving. First-time violators could receive a fine of $100, with an additional mandatory six-month jail sentence if your ringer plays a Latin-themed novelty song.
The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's "offensive to the religion of Islam." Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
Child: Why on this night do we eat Hot Fudge Sundaes? Adult: To remind us that being Jewish is like having your birthday every day!! Plus they're delicious!
I thought we were out of money!? You can't simultaneously fire teachers AND tomahawk missiles.
California is choosing between the lesser of, uh, 300 evils.
I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."
President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth.
It's always funny until the hooker mentions her son.
I'll tell you this: Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. And the protections that we have, for religion -we protect religion- and talk about a lifestyle choice! That is absolutely a choice. Gay people don't choose to be gay. At what age did you choose not to be gay?
I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.
My friend Bill O’Reilly is completely full of sh*t.
Following revelations that he fathered a love child, the good Reverend Jesse Jackson - or should we say the 'very' good Reverend - is enduring the scandal with the help of family and friends. A scandal which gives clearer meaning to the Rainbow Coalition's Operation 'Push'.
'Powell movement.' What do you think 'PM' stands for?
The view... from my apartment... was the World Trade Center... and now it's gone, they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity, and strength, and labor, and imagination and commerce, and it is gone. But you know what? You know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the South of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that!
The government that governs best, governs best!
I always get that cautionary warning right before I get off the phone with an interviewer. It's: 'Good luck with the show. I really like it, and if this goes wrong, you'll be hearing from my attorneys.
[Hugh Jackman is] an Adamantium-laced Fred Astaire.
It's like hunting cows
Spain's new Prime Minister Jose Luis Rodriguez Zapatero announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq - meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.
There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.
Isn't that what you really want in a jean? The ability to kick people in the face in them? I don't wanna have to go home and change into shorts.
Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only open nagging questions: what kind of freak has 1,000 pages of medical records?
[President Bush] recently challenged Iraqi soldiers still fighting U.S. troops like so: ... 'My answer is bring 'em on.' For those of you who may be criticizing Bush for acting like a movie cowboy, let me remind you. He's actually acting more like a movie cheerleader.
