Stephen Colbert Quotes

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

If you love friends, you will serve your friends. If you love community, you will serve your community. If you love money, you will serve your money. And if you love only yourself, you will serve only yourself. And you will have only yourself.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

Global warming isn't real because I was cold today! Also great news: world hunger is over because I just ate.

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

My grandfather did not travel across 4,000 miles of the Atlantic Ocean to see this country overrun by immigrants. He did it because he killed a man back in Ireland.

Thirty seconds is the exact amount of time Americans can tolerate something they don't understand.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying “yes” begins things. Saying “yes” is how things grow. Saying “yes” leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say “yes'.

The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it is its own size. It is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I’ve always liked that phrase “He was visited by grief,” because that’s really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It’s not like it’s in me and I’m going to deal with it. It’s a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

There's nothing American tourists like more than the things they can get at home.

Used books are the sluts of the literary world. Passed around from person to person, spreading their pages for anyone, getting cheaper and cheaper until eventually they end up in prison.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Now, I don't see color. People tell me I'm white and I believe them because police officers call me 'sir'.

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.