Jon Stewart Quotes - Page 6

We're Jews. When you look at our pubic hair, it should look like Ewoks should be in there.

We are going to be raising a generation of mentally impaired people.

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

Congress, the legislative stone in America's urethra.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

Divorce isn't caused because 50% of marriages end in gayness.

The Republicans are calling the Democrats' plan to have a deadline for US troop withdrawal from Iraq an 'admission of failure', as opposed to the Republican plan which is 'failure without admission'.

If you don't get it right with your first family, you can always do it again with another.

At the end of your life, do you give a concession speech?

Nothing brings closure to a campaign like opening it up again.

Poor Al Gore, global warming completely debunked, via the very Internet you invented.

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.

I don't think politics is any longer about a conversation with the country.

Historic in a good sense, not historic in a sense of 'so we dropped bombs on everyone.

If I'd only followed CNBC's advice, I'd have a million dollars today. Provided I'd started with a hundred million dollars.

Who cares how we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons if we avoided a war and got a dictator to give up his chemical weapons.

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

Is listening to Pink Floyd in the dark a medical condition?

It's a travesty that people have forced someone who is gay to have to make their case that they deserve the same basic rights...

Michael Brown, the director of FEMA, was nominated by President Bush in 2003 and plans to start the job any day now. ... Prior to heading FEMA, Brown spent the 90's as a commissioner -- this is true -- of the International Arabian Horse Association. I guess he stands out because most Bush appointees are beholden to Arabian people.

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.

One of the things that I do think government counts on is that people are busy. And it's very difficult to mobilize a busy and relatively affluent country, unless it's over really crucial- you know, foundational issues.