Jon Stewart Quotes - Page 7

If we are going to amend the constitution, shouldn't it be to keep the omos-hay from arrying-may?

If you're going to give people 20 minutes of news satire, you've also got to give them Tiffani-Amber Thiessen or you're going to have rioting in the streets.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I remember having a grade-school teacher I thought was a hard-ass. When you're that age, you think the guy is Himmler. Then you visit him eight years later and he's wearing polyester pants, he's four foot eight, you think he's gay, and you're like, 'Are you the guy I was afraid of?

Does anyone know... does the Christian persecution complex have an expiration date? Because... uh... you've all been in charge pretty much since... uh... what was that guys name... Constantine. He converted in, what was it, 312 A.D. I'm just saying, enjoy your success.

In fourteen hundred ninety-two Columbus sailed the ocean blue and discovered America. Now, some have argued Columbus actually discovered the West Indies, or that Norsemen had discovered America centuries earlier, or that you really can't get credit for discovering a land already populated by indigenous people with a developed civilization. Those people are communists. Columbus discovered America.

Watching these channels all day is incredibly depressing. I live in a constant state of depression. I think of us as turd miners. I put on my helmet, I go and mine turds, hopefully I don't get turd lung disease.

The trial of Enron chiefs Jeffrey Skilling and Ken Lay began four-and-a-half years after perpetrating -- allegedly -- the fraud that led to the second largest bankruptcy in American history. Why four-and-a-half years? Because apparently it's harder to bring Ken Lay to trial than it is to invade two countries.

[John McCain] didn't believe me. I think anybody who's been in a POW camp for five years can - take eight minutes on The Daily Show.

I think, with the administration they do Constitutionally-mandated things most of the time, but they don't - they fulfill the letter of their obligation to checks and balances, but not the intent.

How far back to the elementary school core curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up?

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

If the world does need to repopulate at some point, the announcing team of Rob Lowe and Sofia Vergara, I think, would make very pleasant children.

The Vietnam war was fought over portion size.

So if you're negative, you live longer? That sounds like a cruel joke.

What good are images if people understand them?

It's not really a good sign when your audience applauds Satan.

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I don't trust any country that looks around a continent and says, "Hey, I'll take the frozen part."

What's with the poverty Tourette's? Why do these two think we need a hobo for president?

If you break someone's leg, shouldn't you have to be the crutch for a while?

No health care for poor kids? You know, I thought something like that was only done by cartoon villains. You're (Pres. Bush) slowly going from being Nixon to Mr. Burns.

When you're accustomed to doing stand-up, so often you're the only person onstage and it's all your thing. It's very gladiatorial. Obviously, when you're in a scene with somebody, you're supposed to listen and react - and that's a bit of a transition.