Jon Stewart Quotes - Page 3

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it's nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

It's a wonder our country doesn't implode.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

Honestly, folks, I think my brain is broken.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

People! Take to the streets and scream 'BE REASONABLE!'

Some people look at a glass and see it as half-full. Others look at a glass and call it a dragon.

The overwhelming condemnation makes it clear we have made enormous progress in teaching everyone that racism is bad. Where we seem to have dropped the ball... is in teaching people what racism actually is ... which allows people to say incredibly racist things while insisting they would never.

Putting the 10 commandments up to prevent crime is like putting 'Employees must wash hands' up to keep the piss out of your burger.

The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.

They have to put Trump on every program, spewing his crazy ideas, because his poll numbers are so high. And his poll numbers are so high because they put him on every program, spewing his crazy ideas.

Nobody cares that Mitt Romney is rich. It’s Romney’s inability to understand the institutional advantage that he gains from the government’s tax code largesse that’s a little offensive to people. Especially considering Romney’s view on anyone else who looks to the government for things like, I don’t know, food and medicine.

A guy comes down to earth, takes your sins, dies, and comes back three days later. You believe in him and go to heaven forever. How do you get from that to Hide-The-Eggs? Did Jesus have a problem with eggs? Did he go, "When I come back, if I see any eggs, the whole salvation thing is off."

Glenn Beck does have a dream. Unfortunately, it's the kind of dream you have when you eat four pepperoni hot pockets right before bed.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

The press has bravely and nobly eroded the public trust... What I'm advocating is the media come work for us again. Remove themselves from the symbiotic relationship that they have developed with the power structure of corporations and of the politicians.

It's funny. When we were alive we spent much of our time staring up at the cosmos and wondering what was out there. We were obsessed with the moon and whether we could one day visit it. The day we finally walked on it was celebrated worldwide as perhaps man's greatest achievement. But it was while we were there, gathering rocks from the moon's desolate landscape, that we looked up and caught a glimpse of just how incredible our own planet was. Its singular astonishing beauty. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.

Megachurches. I can't be the only one frightened when our houses of worship sound like they could take on Godzilla.

You know, I just want to say to her (Sarah Palin), just very quickly...F-- you.

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

The Oscars is the one night of the year when you can see all your favorite stars without having to donate any money to the Democratic Party

Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little Lent. What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail.

I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything.