There are times when I'm driving home after a day's shooting, thinking to myself, That scene would've been so much better if I had written it out.
It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.
Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.
I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.
I couldn't walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello.
I think Michael Moore is a hero. I love him.
I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.
It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.
Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.
I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.
Obviously comedic styles do change.
Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.
I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.
Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.
The closest I ever came to death was masturbating with a 104-degree temperature.
Let's not forget, I got divorced.
I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.
I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for...well let's say a few dollars more.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.
Golf and dating don't mix.
I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.
And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.
