Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'
Making a woman laugh. What is that about? And the prettier the woman, the more satisfaction I get. It doesn't make any sense, but I'm being honest.
No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.
Woody Allen likes to do a lot of master shots. He likes to get the whole thing in one take, and so you could be going along doing a scene, and then the next to last line, all of a sudden, you stumble, and you have to go back to first base.
I got a Swede lawyer?!? She's gonna get everything!
I don't like people cleaning my room.
If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.
I'm anti-cheese in a salad.
The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.
Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, "Man Gets Married!"
Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.
I just feed off the energy of the audience.
My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.
You know, when you do standup there are certain requirements that you have to do like you have to go on stage and when you get introduced you have to say "Hey,how ya doin'? How are ya?" I couldn't do it. It was false.
The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.
I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.
Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.
Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.
In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.
I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.
Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.
Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.
